Frustration

Yeah, that pretty much sums things up. This weekend, which was supposed to be a relaxed trip home, turned out to be something more. I can't say that I've ever had an anxiety attack, I still don't think I have now, but it must have been something close. I won't go into too much detail, but it was the most trouble I've ever had sleeping. I think it was just too much time laying there, with way too much thinking.

The only common theme I can pick out of it is the future. It's scary. I don't know what to think, and it's sneaking up on me so soon. It's not something new, I think of it all the time. It just seems that this time it upset me the most. I know I don't want to go back to Kerrville after I'm finished with school. I don't know what else there'll be for me though. I had put a lot of thought into actually going to Atlanta, but I don't want that right now. I don't want to move out of state, not yet at least. Uncertainty is basically the main thing that is haunting me.

Another thing that bothered me is taking the trip south. We went to south Texas hunting on Friday and took pretty much the same trip that I've taken a million times to go to Mexico. I didn't think it would bother me, but it really did. It made me miss the past so much. It's the feeling of having so much love for one person, and not knowing exactly where that person stands now. Which is crazy because we always had so much communication, but now I don't know if I'm completely capable of doing the communication thing. I'm going to force myself to do it though. It did help that she sent me mail today. It helped a lot.

I've never really had irrational thoughts in my head. It seems like its happening more and more lately. I don't know if I'm going nuts or what the deal is. Well I know I'm not going nuts, but wow, things happening can really screw a person's logic up. I'll figure them out though.

I know my problems, I need to learn to take care of them. I've worked out solutions in my mind. I want to put the girl first, but I think I need to put myself first. I hope the girl will come with the certainty. If not, I don't guess it was meant to be.